SLANG Worldwide Announces New Vermont Leadership Team for Adult Use Rollout

EDITOR’S NOTE: THIS WAS AN APRIL FOOL’S JOKE…SUCCESSFULLY FOOLED LOTS OF FRIENDS, INCLUDING MANY WHO SENT SINCERE CONGRATULATORY MESSAGES, BUT WE HAVE NOT YET RECEIVED THE ‘SELL OUT’ OFFER…

Following a letter to shareholders last week, the Canadian cannabis conglomerate, SLANG Worldwide, has announced a new, Vermont-based management team will take over the operation of CeresMED and Southern Vermont Wellness, Vermont’s two largest medical cannabis dispensaries.

The news broke on the first day of adult-use cannabis licensing in Vermont, the first day when the state’s medical cannabis dispensaries are allowed to apply for ‘integrated licenses’, which allow the five corporate-owned entities to immediately begin cultivating, processing, packaging, manufacturing, and selling THC cannabis products to Vermont adults as early as May 1, at least five months before other sales would be allowed.

SLANG Worldwide’s spokesperson, Matt Tuchi acknowledged that a decade of alienating the cannabis community and neglecting medical patients contributed to the fast re-brand and new hires.

Many people forget that the original President of the Champlain Valley Dispensary was the former Vermont Democratic Party Chair, helped us secured these licenses way back in 2014 before Governor Shumlin left and the previous management and their lobbyists had to take advantage of literally thousands of sick people and advocates to keep their monopoly and picked up a reputation along the way.

Tuchi acknowledged that the bruised reputation of Vermont’s medical cannabis dispensaries had played a part in the hiring, which he said he hopes will help people forget about the past decade of medical cannabis malfeasance and the inherently evil structure of a multinational conglomerate built on regulatory capture.

“We wanted to find a local, Vermont voice with credibility in the cannabis community and after an exhaustive search, we’re pleased to announce Eli Harrington as our first hire and new Chief Operating Officer (COO).”

The announcement of Harrington comes as a shock to members of the cannabis community who viewed Harrington as a harsh critic of corporate cannabis.

However, former coworkers and colleagues confirmed that Harrington had previously sued at least one former business partner for nonpayment, still drives a shitty car, and resisted the urge to sell illegal weed to any of the politicians or lobbyists who asked him almost weekly during his four years of pro bono advocacy in the Vermont State House.

Harrington could not be reached for immediate comment, but issued a statement

“I know this will disappoint many friends and colleagues, but goddamnit I got you potheads again, Happy April 1st. Thank god I don’t have kids or a family to support but please do buy a ticket to an upcoming event so I don’t have to do this shit for real.”